The Joke Thread

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Wed Nov 25, 2009 3:41 am

All from TV Tropes. took out some of the worst jokes. (Not pun worst, TMI worst.)

So this reporter gets a job hosting a radio show where he encourages people to call in with their jokes. But because it's live, he has to memorize all the jokes in the world so he can cut off any dirty ones before they get to the punchline. On his first night, a drunk calls in and says,
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
The reporter doesn't know any Argo jokes, so he says, "Argo who?"
"Arr, go **** yourself!"
The reporter is fired. Five years later he has managed to work his way back up and is hosting the same show again, but he's had five more years to memorize even more jokes and he's sure he won't be fooled again. The same drunk calls in again: "Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
This time the reporter is confident. He knows 133 Harold jokes, and all of them are above reproach. "Harold who?" he says.
"Arr, go **** yourself!"

Why do zombies dislike photographers?
They hate headshots!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.... BA-DOOM CHING!

What happens if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A minor B flat.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to complain about how high it is.

What goes "clip-clop clip-clop bang clip-clop clip-clop"?
An Amish drive-by shooting.

Two rock climbers were out scaling a cliff in a heavy wind. Unfortunately, as their gear was not properly secured, they fell down and hit some sharp rocks. As their souls began to ascend to Fluffy Cloud Heaven, they saw a pair of eagles. Awed, the two souls said, "Ah, eagles!" ...To be polite, the eagles said nothing.

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. He just holds it in place while the whole world revolves around him.

Four die-hard Major League Baseball fans climb a mountain. As they climb, they argue incessantly about which one of them is most dedicated to his respective team. When they get to the top, the Yankees fan yells, "This is for the New York Yankees!" and throws himself off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone by a Yankees fan, the Red Sox fans screams, "This is for the Boston Red Sox!!" and throws himself off the mountain. Not about to be outdone by a Yankees fan and a Red Sox fan, the Cardinals fan shouts, "THIS IS FOR THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS!!!" and shoves the Chicago Cubs fan off the mountain.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill a bathtub with brightly-coloured machine tools.

A man is walking down the street carrying a desk on his back. In one hand is a computer, and in the other, a wastepaper basket. A policeman goes up and asks him, "What are you doing?" He replies, "Impersonating an office, sir."

There's this old butler, right? And he's retired, and lives on a farm with his two reindeer. One day he hears a knock at the door, and he opens it to see two beavers. The beavers say to him "Hi. Our house got knocked down in a flash flood, and we're looking for some money to rebuild it. Would you like to make a donation?" The butler just shakes his head, and goes to turn away. The beavers yell "Hey!" and throw a glass of water at him, slamming the door in his face. He goes to his reindeer. The first one, named Lee, says "Why don't you just give them some money?" His second deer, Frank, asks him the same question. "Why not give them a little money to rebuild?" The wet butler says "Frank, Lee, my deers, I don't give a dam."

Two muffins are in an oven. One of them says "Boy, it sure is hot in here." The other one says "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

One fine summer's day, Sherlock Holmes and his companion, Dr. John Watson, decide to take some time off from life in the city and go for a camping trip in the countryside. After an invigorating hike, the two pitch their tent and get some shut-eye.
In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake. "What is it?" asks the doctor. The Great Detective points upward. "Watson," he says, "look up there and tell me what you see." "Well," replied Watson, "I see a fantastic panorama of stars. "Yes," replied Holmes, "and what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically," Watson mused, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." He smiles and finishes, "And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." He looks at Holmes, now puzzled. "Er... and why do you ask?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Why are there no ants in church?
Because they're Insects

A man goes into a pet shop and asks for something unusual. The owner shows him a rabbit-like animal, and says, "This is a Rary. They only move about by rolling around, and to get one started you have to give it sort of a pat, but they're cleanly." So the man buys the Rary, but after it's been home for a while, it starts rolling about uncontrollably and breaking his things. The shop owner won't take it back, so he drives 100 km out of town to a tall cliff, intending to give it a push off. He meets someone there, and after hearing the story, the fellow remarks, "That's a long way to tip a Rary!"

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?
That's right. There's a small medium at large.

Three guys are stranded on a desert island. They find a lamp lying around, and sure enough, when they rub it a genie comes out. It says, "I will grant each of you one wish." The first guy says, "I wish I was in Hollywood, with a bottle of wine in one hand and a beautiful woman in the other." The genie waves his hand, and he vanishes. The second guy says, "I wish I was in Cancun, with unlimited credit." Again, the genie waves his hand, and he vanishes, too. The third guy looks around and says, "I wish I had my friends back."

At the zoo, a group of porpoises were telling the visiting kids to do all kinds of bad things. After a talk with the zookeeper, they promised to be nice if he would bring them mynah birds. The zookeeper agreed, so he walked past a sleeping lion to get some mynahs. On the way back, he was stopped by a police officer who said, "You are under arrest for carrying mynahs across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises."

A blind man and his equally blind wife decide to go for a walk. It's a pretty cold day, and the weather forecast predicts some kind of precipitation, but the temperature will determine whether it's rain or snow. Sure enough, while the man and his wife are walking, it starts... precipitating. But neither of them is sure what.
"I think it's raining," said the man's wife.
"I think it's snowing," said the man. "It's too cold to rain."
They bicker about this until they hear someone hail them: "Hello!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Oh! It's Olph the Communist! He'll know which it is."
The man calls out: "Comrade Olph! Is it raining or snowing?"
"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.
"See, I told you," the blind woman said.
Grumpily, the man replied, "I still think it's too cold. It must be snowing."
At that, the woman shook her head, and said...
"Rude Olph the Red knows rain, dear."

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other ... oh ... wait ...

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!" So he goes back out, loops his neck into itself, musses up his hair and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

An old man goes to the doctor for his checkup.
"I've got some bad news," says the doctor. "You've got Alzheimer's and you've got cancer."
"Well," says the old man, "at least I don't have Alzheimer's!"

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby." The Doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it." The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear". The doctor said "My point exactly".

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and has no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter. A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he contacted the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forcasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood. A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the weather service. "Does it still look like a cold winter?" asked the chief. "It sure does," replied the meteorologist. "It looks like a very cold winter." The chief advised the tribe to gather every scrap of wood they could find. A couple of weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said "We're now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!" "Really!?" said the chief. "How can you be so sure?" The meteorologist replied "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no genitals?
No ****ing eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no genitals and no legs?
Still no **** eye deer.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

There are 10 kinds of people:
Those who know binary,
those who don't,
and those who also know trinary.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He picks up the dogs by its hind legs and swings it in circles over his head. The bartender asks, "What are you doing?!" The blind man responds, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

A pirate captain and his first mate are exchanging stories about their adventures at sea. The captain has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch over one eye. The first mate says, "Why do you have that peg leg?" He replies, "One day there was a storm, and I fell overboard, and me leg was bitten off by a shark." "Wow," says the first mate, "what about that hook?" "One time, we were attacked, and I lost me hand in the battle." So the first mate says, "What about the eye patch?" "I was looking up at the sky and a passing parrot left a dropping and it landed in me eye." "You lost your eye to a parrot dropping?" exclaims the first mate in disbelief. "Well, you see, it was me first day with the hook!"

A man was walking around the MIT campus one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm an engineering student. I don't have time for a girlfriend right now, but a talking frog is cool!"

Two hikers have been walking through the Australian for days when they come across a small town called Mercy. Seeing as they're tired and thirsty, they stop by the bar and ask for a drink. What the bartender gives them tastes amazing, but is very thick and chunky. The hikers ask what it's made of and the bartender replies that it's a tea that they make by mashing up koalas. The hikers are understandably put off by this, but the drink tastes so good that they ask for another, and strained this time. The bartender replies "Oh, no sirs. The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

A pastor, a priest, and a lawyer all died and appear before the gates of heaven. The pastor and priest enter normally, but when the lawyer tries to enter he is showered with confetti and a multitude of angels trumpet his arrival. Confused, the pastor and priest ask a nearby angel why he was getting so much attention. The angel replied, "We have plenty of people like you up here, but he's the first lawyer we've ever seen."

A ship was sailing through the sea at night when the captain spotted a light on a collision course. He went to his signal light and sent: "Change your course, ten degrees west."
The distant light signaled back: "Change your course, ten degrees east."
The captain gets upset. He signals: "I'm a US Navy captain. Change your course, sir."
The distant light signals a response: "I'm a Seaman Second Class. Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. He signals: "This is a battleship. I'm not changing course."
The distant light sends one last response: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Due to a scheduling mix-up, Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and George W. Bush all get to the Pearly Gates around the same time. Picasso is the first one to arrive, and St. Peter considers him for a moment. "You know," he says, "We've had people coming up here ever since Picasso died claiming to be him. How can you prove you're the real Pablo Picasso?" Picasso asks for a canvas and paint, then whips up a brand-new masterpiece, as good as any of his other work. "Wonderful!" says St. Peter. "Sorry for the inconvenience, Pablo, welcome to Heaven."
Five minutes later Albert Einstein arrives. St. Peter again tells him that numerous others have claimed to be him. Albert asks for a chalkboard and chalk, then plots out an entirely new improved Theory of Relativity. "Amazing!" St. Peter says. "Sorry for the inconvenience, Albert, welcome to Heaven."
Five minutes later George W. Bush arrives. St. Peter looks at him and says, "You know, already today I've had to make Pablo Picasso and Albert Einstein prove their identities to me. I have to admit, I'm curious to see what you'll come up with to convince me."
Bush looks up at St. Peter and frowns. "Who are Pablo Picasso and Albert Einstein?"
St. Peter sighs. "Go on in, George."

The Oconee River near Athens, Georgia overflows its banks. A retired preacher is sitting on his porch, with the river flooding into his front yard, headed for the deck.
Two men pull up in an SUV. One says, "Preacher, you need to come with us; the river's rising fast and there ain't much time." The preacher says, "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the men drive off.
An hour later the river has risen even more and the preacher is now sitting on his roof, with the water flooding up to the gutters.
A rowboat comes up and one of the men inside says, "Preacher, the river's rising faster. You gotta come with us." The preacher shakes his head and says, "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the rowboat leaves.
An hour later the flooding river has covered the roof of the preacher's house, and he is sitting on his chimney.
A helicopter hovers overhead and a voice issues from a loudspeaker, "Preacher, the river's rising fast, there ain't no time left. Grab the rope, we'll pull you up." The preacher shakes his head again. "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the helicopter flies off.
An hour later, the preacher reaches the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at him and says, "What are you doing here? It's not your time yet." "I don't know," the preacher replies. "I had faith that the Lord would help me."
"Help?" St. Peter says, "We sent an SUV, a rowboat and a helicopter, what did you want?"

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench looking at the house across the street. They see two people walk into it, and, some time later, see three people walk out.
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were inside."
The physicist says, "No, our initial observation must have been in error."
Finally, the mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, then the house will be empty."

An American, a Russian, and a Frenchman are all up for punishment by 40 lashes. The warden comes up to them and says "You may each have one wish before you are lashed."
So the American says "I want a pillow strapped to my back." He gets a pillow, they do 20 lashes, the pillow breaks, and he gets 20 lashes to the back.
The Frenchman says he wants 2 pillows on his back. They give him the pillows, he gets through scot free.
The Russian says "I want the Frenchman on my back."

PATIENT: Doctor, what was wrong with that nun that just ran out of your office? She looked pale as a ghost!
DOCTOR: Well, I examined her and told her her she was pregnant.
PATIENT: My goodness... was she really?
DOCTOR: No, but it sure as hell cured her hiccups!

A shaken-looking snail goes to the police and says he's been mugged by a tortoise. They ask him what the guy looked like. "I don't know," he says, "it all happened so fast."

How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. No, two. No, four. No, eight...

Heaven only has one spot left for the day and three guys show up, so St. Peter tells them that the guy who died the worst death will get in. The first guy leads off, "Well, I got home early and I saw somebody cheating with my wife, and so I chased him deeper into my apartment. I saw somebody hanging off the balcony below, so I went into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and dropped it on his head, but then I was overcome with grief so I killed myself." The second guy says, "I was on my balcony trying to see the source of some commotion when I leaned too far and fell over the edge. I barely managed to grab the edge when somebody dropped a refrigerator on my head. A refrigerator!" The third guy goes, "Well, you see, I was hiding in a refrigerator...."

Three men have just robbed a bank and are making their getaway. They manage to get pretty far out of the city, but the police are still after them, and the getaway car breaks down in the middle of a rural area. They don't have much time, so they abandon the car and run off to hide in a nearby barn. There isn't much to hide behind once they're inside, but thankfully they planned ahead and brought very realistic barnyard animal costumes. The first bank robber disguises himself as a cow, the second as a sheep, the third suddenly realizes he forgot his chicken costume in the car, and thinking quickly, jumps into an empty potato sack. Moments later, a pair of police officers, having found the abandoned car, decide to investigate the barn.
"They must have gotten away," says the first officer, "there's nothing in here but a cow, a sheep, and a sack of potatoes"
"Hold on," says the second officer, "Something seems a little strange here.. Is that a real cow?"
"Moo!" says the first bank robber.
"Hmmm... Well, how about the sheep?"
"Baaaah!" says the second bank robber.
"And what about that potato sack over there? Is that a real sack of potatoes?"
The third bank robber is silent for a moment, then calls out...

Three doctors at a convention are talking shop.
Doctor No. 1 says: "I love doing surgery on artists. They are so colorful: red hearts, pink stomachs, green spleens."
Then Doctor No. 2 says: "Me, I love doing surgery on accountants: open them up and all their parts are numbered, makes it very easy."
Then Doctor No. 3 says: "I love doing surgery on lawyers. They have no heart, they have no guts, and the head & the ass are interchangeable!"

Doctor: Mr. Smith, I'm sorry, but you don't have long to live.
Mr. Smith: Well, how long do I have, Doc?
Doctor: Ten.
Mr. Smith: I don't understand. Ten weeks? Ten months? Ten what?
Doctor: Nine. Eight. Seven...

Paul McCartney was being chauffeured back to his home in a stretch limo. "You know", he said to the driver, "I've never driven a limo before, so could I try it out?". The driver said yes, so Paul settled behind the wheel, and the chauffeur got in the back. Then Paul started to accelerate until the limo was topping 100 mph. Then he saw that a police car was coming and pulled over to the side of a street. A police officer came out, looked at Paul, and asked, "Excuse me Sir." Soon after he said, "I'd better call this one in." The policeman called the headquarters and said, "Listen Chief, I've just pulled over a really important person and I`m not sure what to do." "Who is it?" asked his chief, "Not the governor again?" "No, this man is much more important," said the officer. "More important than the governor?" yelled the Chief, "Who is it then?" "I'm not sure," said the officer, "but his chauffeur is Paul McCartney!"

Last edited by zfish9 on Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Fri Nov 27, 2009 7:37 pm

Oh man! Those were some good jokes!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Sun Dec 27, 2009 12:37 am

I had vodka with water, I felt drunk.
I had Whiskey with water, I felt drunk.
I had rum with water, I felt drunk.
I swear I'll never drink water!!!

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of ****. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.

Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.

Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store is free yet?

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? (ZN: Honestly, it would save a lot of time if she just gave a guy a shovel to dig himself in a hole)

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:46 am

Not really a Joke, but I found it funny. Mary Sue ahoy!

Throughout fanfiction, there is no character so reviled and yet so pervasive as the Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: *walks in combing her long, raven-colored locks and fluttering the pretty lashes of her deep violet eyes* Did someone call me?

Discussions abound regarding the character's origins, her psychological significance, her attributes and features, her role as a post-modern feminist restructuring of a previously boys-only heroic genre.

Mary Sue: *aside to MM* My what now?

MM: *aside to MS* Why you're here.

Mary Sue: Oh! I'm here to save the day! *swishes sword around expertly* I was trained in secret from an early age on weaponry and the arts of war. Also, I am a special snowflake.

MM: I see.

Mary Sues are a common character type in both professional fiction and fanfiction. They can evidence themselves as author-insertions ("She's like me! And she's hanging out with Frodo and Aragorn!"), wish-fulfillments ("Sharendriel the Fair is beloved of everyone who meets her! Except those mean villains!"), or sometimes as idealized mates who end up in relationships with author inserts ("Krista, an exotic beauty from Kleverston, was unsurpassed in her hand-to-hand combat skills and intelligence, but her heart belonged to Steve, the misunderstood gamer genius.").

MS: That Steve sounds like quite a catch!

MM: Of course he does, dear. You were designed to be his perfect girlfriend.

MS: Hooray!

MM: *facepalm*

There are many physical features common to Mary Sues, as well as certain commonalities to their backstories. Gather more than a few of these in one place, and it's often a sign that an author is spending too much time on one character, and not enough on the actual story.
Some examples: unusual eye color (often violet); long, flowing hair, which is described in detail (really, any character whose hair is mentioned more than twice unless the hair is physically picking up and eating another character, because that would be kind of cool); names that are a takeoff on the author's name, or his/her middle name; an angsty childhood, usually involving the loss of one or both parents and quite often abuse at the hands of the new caregivers; special powers that allow him/her to communicate with animals such as horses or birds; telepathy; a twin, clone, or close sibling of the same gender (especially if the author writes more tales about the twin); a heretofore unknown familial relationship with already-existent characters; a burgeoning romantic relationship with the existing character(s) of the author's preference, despite any already present relationships; special abilities that overshadow similar abilities among existing characters (smarter, faster, stronger, better engineer); a certain "charming" klutziness that results in minor or major disasters but is rectified by the end of the piece; a heroically sacrificial "death" which is often fixed at the end or in the sequel, but fixed or not, the character is mourned by all, even to the point of reforming a villain by this noble gesture. Also, Mary Sues have a habit of being mentioned or described in story titles.

MS: Wow! I'm a very busy girl!

MM: If it makes you feel any better, you tend to do this over multiple stories.

MS: I get multiple stories?

MM: Yes, because a big sign that an author has a Mary Sue is the author's apparent abiding love for the character. If there's a fanfic series all about one character, it's probably you.

MS: You love me! You really love me!

With all those traits in hand, a character can still be written as a reasonably down-to-earth and well-rounded character.

MS: I can?

MM: Yep.

MS: Why?

MM: Because well-rounded characters are good.

MS: *pause* Does that make me not good?

MM: ...

However, the difficulty in doing so tends to elude inexperienced writers, and even writers who have been at their craft for decades. Mary Sues are poor excuses for characters, but once a niche is located, they sell to people who want to pretend to be those same characters: literature as catharsis and/or escape for the reader.

MS: So I'm bad.

MM: You're not bad.

MS: But I'm not well-rounded.

MM: Not usually, no

MS: *bounces out and bounces back in with a short wig and brown contact lenses* I'm fixed now, see? Well-rounded.

MM: You're wearing a wig and contacts.

MS: But I don't have long flowing hair or violet eyes.

MM: *taps foot* Were you still sold into slavery by your foster parents while your twin sister was raised in secrecy far away?

Despite the constellation of attributes that might or might not make a Mary Sue, the one true hallmark of this character type is his/her ability to warp the nature of the universe around him or herself. The rules change for Mary Sue, or simply don't apply, because he/she's Special. Common tipoffs are in the behaviors of other characters: Do they automatically accept this character with open arms, despite a previous history of distrusting strangers? Do they focus all their conversations and thoughts on the character, on his/her actions and romances, if only to say or think how much they dislike him/her? Do they forgive this character's mistakes easily, even when those errors should by rights earn the character a severe penalty? (Ex: Jail time, court martial, permanent expulsion from the social group) Does it seem like they begin and end with this new character, that couples are unable to realize their true feelings for one another without his/her guidance, that nothing of significance happens or could happen in the story without involving the character? In short, does the world revolve around the character?

Mary Sues are cuckoos, things put into the nest that don't belong and end up destroying what they touch, not out of malice, but merely by their nature. Normally rational characters can't think, leaving Mary Sue to come up with the plan that saves the day. Otherwise confident characters need an ego boost from Mary Sue's almost database-like knowledge of the character's strengths, despite having known everyone for such a short time. Sane characters become catty and petty when faced with Mary Sue's overwhelming charms focused on her object of desire. Plots become contrived beyond belief just so Mary Sue can dazzle everyone and/or die and make everyone who was ever mean to the writer feel bad.

MS: You keep describing me as childish, even when I can have very mature themes. *pout*

MM: You're a stage. Everyone's first story starts with "I did this." You're a manifestation of that first toddling attempt at storytelling, only prettied up and with a spellchecker. (Sometimes.) And everyone goes through you at some point.

MS: *sniffling* Everyone?

MM: Yes. Sometimes only in our heads. Sometimes people try to pretend they don't write you by writing slash instead.

MS: What's slash?

MM: I'll explain later. Anyway, the people who hide from you in slash are the ones who take your favorite traits ---

MS: You mean my gorgeous physical appearance (except for one blemish that really only enhances my beauty and uniqueness) and my traumatic youth?

MM: Those are the ones. Those often get applied to one of the men in the relationship instead. So you see, you still show up, only your name is Daniel.

MS: I think you mean Gary. You know, my brother Gary Stu?

The male version of the Mary Sue usually has many of the same traits as his sister: his skills are better than the other characters' skills, he's an expert in really cool things, he has a mysterious and often tragic background, he plays a musical instrument, he sacrifices himself in the end. Gary Stu in his extreme form tends to be more of a maverick. He bucks authority, sneers at whatever paltry efforts the villains throw at him, and beds the most beautiful woman (or women) he can find. If he has a career, it's either the one wanted by the author or one that the author saw in a movie once and has no idea what's actually involved. Gary has weapons, lovingly described in detail as much as Mary's hair and eyes are described in her story (though if you read about a male character with eye color that's mentioned more than once, start making a checklist).
If his name isn't a takeoff on his creator's name, it's something that wouldn't be out of place for a male porn star.

Gary Stus are just as prevalent as Mary Sues, but because of their nature, they slide into popular entertainment vehicles more readily, and where an audience might balk at a female character with the sudden backstory and seriously cool powers, they pay the summer box office handsomely to see that same story with a guy. (This has led some authors to try to reclaim female Mary Sues as a feminist statement, to show that women and girls have the same wish-fulfillment needs as males and celebrate these character rather than denigrate them.)

MS: Does that make me a feminist role model?

MM: It could.

MS: Cool!

MM: *sigh*

Notable Mary Sues and Gary Stus in various media include but are by no means limited to: Jonathan in the "Superstar" episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"; Lana Lang on "Smallville" (although not the original in the comics); Wesley Crusher (named for Star Trek creator Eugene Wesley Roddenberry); Ayla, from Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M. Auel; Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade ("Luke" being a nickname for George Lucas, and Mara being, well, Mara); Ray Steele and Cameron "Buck" Williams from the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins; any lead female character written by V.C. Andrews or her ghost writers ever.

MS: Wow! I have a lot of company!

MM: Yes, you do, and you've got a lot of commercial success. Again, sometimes people want the wish-fulfillment, and you come ready-made and pre-packaged for fun.

MS: So people do like me?

MM: Sometimes. Sometimes we still have to say: "And then I did this next" because that's the only way we can make the story come out right, and it's really all about the story.

MS: But you said I ruin stories! *starts sobbing again, although the redness and puffiness only make her eyes gleam more*

MM: *hands over a tissue* You do sometimes. And sometimes you make the story exactly what it needs to be. When done right, you bring an outside perspective to a stuffy, lifeless cast and you can show otherwise unseen dimensions to familiar faces.

MS: I do?

MM: You can. It's a matter of skill on the part of a good writer, to turn a universe-bending attention hog into a brilliant crystal to reflect new facets of the characters we love.

MS: So what you're saying is, I'm a special snowflake! *beams*

MM: *sighs and gives up* Yes. Yes you are. And so am I.

*MS and MM perform the Special Snowflake Dance in the background for the rest of the essay*

In the end, the only person who knows if a character is an insert or a wish-fulfillment fantasy is the author; ironically, the author is the person least able to stand back and critically judge his or her own work to determine if indeed the label fits or if Mary Sue has developed into a fully-realized original character. Telling an author their beloved OC is just another Mary Sue is one of the fastest ways of getting someone angry with you, and casually pointing someone to a Mary Sue litmus test (there are Many) may or may not get through either. The best advice is not to worry about it and focus on your own work. Develop characters who have their own interests and purposes, and do the same for the rest of the characters you use. Find motivations for actions that ring true to character and don't just shoehorn a plot together in order for your One True OC to be universally loved.

Or don't. Sometimes wish-fulfillment is fun too, and sometimes, we all want to be special snowflakes.

Gave me a few good laughs...and also it totally reminded me about Karin in some parts when Karin was RPing as here.

the C.O.A.L R class vice-captain rose from her seat finally revealing her presence . she shook her head to make her two roped braided pony-tails fall back into place. she jolted towards the stand in a powerful stride her gaze glanced over the three she let down briefly and held subtle emotion in them. she then faced forward. reaching the stand she turned to look at mashiro and suigetsu " i doubt i can do worse than you too even i tried ." she was a bit bitter at the water benders glare and mashiros hateful words.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:21 am

Actual test answers

Every time a health test is given about drugs and alcohol, at least one student in each class answers this question the following way: "Define 'D.W.I.'" - "Drinking While Intoxicated."

Children's Science Exam Answers

These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Mangled History

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of the children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.

Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are arange of mountains between France and Spain.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.

Achilles appears in 'The Illiad', by Homer. Homer also wrote the 'Oddity', in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted 'hurrah.' Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In Shakespear's famous play, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote 'Donkey Hote'. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife died and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the 'Organ of the Species'.

Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post with-out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared 'a horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, 'In onion there is strength.' Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed murderer was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called 'Candy'. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Here are a couple from a teacher in Scotland:

I was teaching a Primary 2 class in Dundee, Scotland. The lesson was about Islam. I asked the class if they could remember the very special place where Muslims went to pray. One wee boy put up his hand, desperate to tell the class. His answer: A MOTH!

One pupil when asked if he could remember what was an example of a primitive lifeform answered, "A primitive lifeform is something that is not very brainy!"

From Elizabeth:

"Hercules a great hero was given eternal life because his wife did not trust him, but it wasn't as great as it sounds."

A friend sent me these. They've probably been around for a long time, but they are great.


These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The children heard the grandfather clock ticking. It sounded exactly unlike the digital clock in their bedroom.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes…

Joey was as hungry as a famished locust that had not eaten in days.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Mary was as interested in Joey as she was in a two-day old tuna sandwich left on the kitchen table, hidden by a dishcloth. This perplexed Joey.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.


Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Science Misconceptions

(things kids have said)

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred

to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

Wind is like the air, only pushier.

The Mangled Bible and Other Holy Foibles


If you know the Bible-even a little--you'll find this hilarious!

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. (Incorrect spelling has been left in.)

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

User-Submitted Education Humor

A third grade ESOL student ran up to me terribly excited and said ''Guess what? Today we get to digest a frog in science!''

Here is a comment from one of my 10th grade ESL/LEP students: "I am so cold I have chicken skin!" (confused with "goose bumps"). The following is from a teacher friend, with no disrespect intended to our Hispanic citizens. Math teachers of any ethnic persuasion will relate, especially those born before 1953.


Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Please read more about the "history of teaching math":

Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2008

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............

or perhaps even ....一记录器出售一卡车的木材为100元....
Air Bender

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:34 pm

That's a lot of jokes and a very long post! I read a lot of it, and I must say most of the botched up history was pretty darn funny.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Sat Mar 06, 2010 2:29 am

Okay i'm putting this one in a spoiler tag as a warning of how stupid the people are in these...

Recently, I went to McDonald's and saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken Mc Nuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'O K ,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'
(keep shuddering!!)

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photo copier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photo copier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Air Bender

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Sat Mar 06, 2010 9:41 am

Jesus so did the kid of that stupid mother's die? Now that's a child who will go through hell their whole life if they are still around.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Tue Jan 25, 2011 7:02 pm

Thought I'd share this one corny joke I heard a long time ago. It was during the Swine Flu epidemic.

Pigs didn't fly, swine flu (flew)...get it? Get it?...Ah forget it.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Loyal Subject on Wed Jan 26, 2011 7:40 pm

Loyal Subject

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Wed Jan 26, 2011 7:48 pm

I even made a quick sketch about it.

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Re: The Joke Thread

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