The Joke Thread

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The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Thu Jan 01, 2009 6:16 pm

Well this is a smiple thread where you can post your favorite jokes or any kind of jokes that you like. Please keep in mind to keep them to a level for young adults.

A captain and his men are sailing on the ocean when they are approached by an enemy vessel. The first mate comes running up to the captain screaming.

First Mate: "Captain Captain! There's an enemy ship coming our way, what should we do?"

The captain replies.

Captain: "Prepare to fight them and bring me my red shirt."

Afterwards the enemies ship sank and the men were victorious. The first mate then asked the captain.

First Mate: "Captain, why did you wear a red shirt?"

Captain: "If I was injured during the battle and drew blood I would want my men to fight on courageously without knowing."

A few days later several battle ships approached the same lone ship. The first mate yet again came rushing to the captain screaming.

First Mate: "Captain! Captain! There are several enemy ships approaching us!

The Captain simply replied.

Captain: "Bring me my brown pants son."
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Loyal Subject on Thu Jan 01, 2009 8:11 pm

How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?

- three and a half

lol XD =D
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Thu Jan 01, 2009 8:51 pm

What? I never heard of that joke. Is there something I'm missing?
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Loyal Subject on Thu Jan 01, 2009 9:09 pm

it's from the Goofy Movie. there's no real joke to it =P. i just thought it was funny and now i ask people how many cups of sugar it takes to get the moon XD
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Fri Jan 02, 2009 12:56 am

i remember seeing it once, and i forgot everything about it. except the fact that i remembered seeing it.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Loyal Subject on Fri Jan 02, 2009 5:49 pm

^every summer i watch it at least once now because my friend got me obsessed with it. =P
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Sat Jan 03, 2009 10:06 pm

Is that the one where Goofy and his son go on this wild road trip kind of thing?
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Loyal Subject on Sat Jan 03, 2009 11:44 pm

yup because Goofy wants to spend time with Max and Max tells everyone that he's going to the Powerline concert in LA ^_^
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Guest on Wed Jan 07, 2009 7:45 pm

what did the big chimney say to the little the chimney?
Spoiler:
nothing its a chimney
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:50 pm

Church Bulletins
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:57 pm

Oh wow, I don't know which one I liked more they were all gold!

Though this one made me laugh the most.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  HaruWolf on Sun Jan 11, 2009 12:17 am

^ Those are great! Here are some more:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:47 am

You know you've been watching too much Avatar when......

http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif?o=33

http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif?o=34

http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif?o=35

http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif?o=36
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:22 pm

So a man walks into a bar and says ouch.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Fri Jan 23, 2009 8:36 pm

5 men walk into a bar, the last one ducks.
why?
Spoiler:
it was a metal bar, not a "let's all get drunk and win the Darwin award" bar.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Fri Feb 13, 2009 1:12 am

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:10 pm

What do you get when a short girl mocks a fat man?

An Ai.

What happens when Senbon meets Rock?

Rock beats Senbon. Should've used some paper with that bullet proof idea of yours Rosso.

What happens when your partner mutters her first fool proof idea?

You realize you're in for a rude awakening.......
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Tue May 19, 2009 5:36 pm

Pigs didn't fly, swine flu!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Sun Jun 14, 2009 1:04 am

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

I know this isn't really a joke, it's a fact, but it always makes me laugh.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Thu Jun 18, 2009 4:44 pm

Here's your Sign jokes:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid" That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't see your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me." Without missing a beat, he replied "Well the heat will do that." Here's your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

I'm in high school, and i was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When i get there (being the first one there) i pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so i can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, i start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, i was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me "Hey, you going to Seattle?". "Nope, San Francisco...I'll be parachuting off in about an hour." Here's your sign!

I pull up at the Christmas tree shop and I walk up and the guy says "hey you here to buy a tree?" ..."Nope, My son had to go to the bathroom and these trees looked mighty inviting." Heres your sign!

I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it Raining?".."nope, decided to take the fish for a walk". heres your sign!

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me "you think he's been hunting?".."Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep." Here's your sign!

I am out in public...and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says "You using the phone?"..."Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume." Here's your sign!

We were in the park...flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?"..."Nope, we're fishing for birds." Here's your sign!

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and i had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here ??" I said "Nope. I left 10 minutes ago ... Here's your sign."

I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I Said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before i do" Here's Your Sign

I'm at the airport, and they lost my luggage, so I go to the lost luggage department. I go up to the girl and say, "Excuse me, You Lost My Luggage", She said, "Has Your Plane Landed Yet", I Said, "No Princess, I'm Just Having an Out of Body Experience... I'm Just Checking On It" here's Your Sign.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erwv8vcZEoU&NR=1
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Sat Jun 20, 2009 9:18 am

^ That reminds me of this old Civil War story about a tourist in Gettysburg.

I'll paraphrase but this is a true story.

Ok so a tourist is at Gettysburg, the battle site, Pickett's Charge of the Union lines to be exact. He's there after hours and a guard comes patrolling by.

The guard comes by to him and says "Sir, you do know visitors hours are closed?"

The man replies. "Oh I know."

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave kindly." The guard responds.

Then the man does the unexpected. "Not until I meet General Armistead's ghost." He says standing on the spot where the man was.

The guard knowing he was now dealing with a nut job thinks on the spot so that he doesn't have to hurt him or get hurt. He responds.

"Oh you just missed General Armistead, he checked out of work an hour ago."

Disappointed the man cusses and leaves.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:15 pm

I'm a baker for the army. When I go to war, I go in all buns glazing.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A couple went to a pet shop and ended up buying a lion (as you do). The shop owner had told them that unfortunately the lion had an odd allergy to wet weather and that raindrops would actually hurt it.
One day the lion was outside when the couple heard cries form the garden. "What's that noise?" asked the man. "It's the lion", his wife replied, "it's roaring with pain."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A tour group stopped at the Tower of London, and were given the chance to try out some of the ancient armour. Two men - one from Prague and another from Athens took up the opportunity. One donned a slightly damaged suit of plate armor and the other chain-mail, while the rest of the group crowded around. But in the full suits, the onlookers couldn't tell one from the other.
"Is that the Czech wearing the plate armour?" asked one tourist.
"No," replied another, "The Greek has the broken plate, and the Czech is in the mail."

Two American Football teams are on a tour of Europe and have a quiz to see which team can name most places in Holland. The game was won by a single Dutch Town.


and a few math/science ones ones.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Without geometry, life is pointless.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Tue Jul 21, 2009 7:26 pm

All of those Zfish...just *applause.*

Top News Tonight


Firefighters fight valiantly to stop a fire started in a trick birthday candle factory, they are unsuccessful.

Woman claims she can get her pants half off at JC Penny, man says he'll get them all the way off for her.

Quote by a confused man in headlines. "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."

Man raises awareness that animals can speak English after hearing his dog say "Rough!" and "Bark"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  zfish9 on Mon Aug 03, 2009 12:13 pm

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney, can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
oh forget it.. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post  Lee on Sun Aug 09, 2009 5:00 pm

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.


2. Friendly fire isn't


3. The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is a officer with a map.


4. The problem with taking the easy way out is that it is already mined.


5. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.


6. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.


7. Incoming fire has the right of way.


8. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.


9. The quartermaster only has two sizes; too large and too small.


10. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.


11. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.


12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.


13. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and they miss.


14. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat zone it draws sergeants.


15. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.


16. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.


17. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets...printed at different scales.


18. All battles are fought uphill.


19. All battles are fought in the rain.


20. If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.


21. Tracers work both ways.


22. If the enemy is in range, so are you.


23. Never reinforce failure, failure reinforces itself.


24. Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.


25. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.


26. Always honour a threat.


27. The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.


28. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.


29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.


30. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.


31. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.


32. The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater that the distance you can jump.


33. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.


34. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.


35. There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.


36. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.


37. Radios work perfectly until you need fire support.


38. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.


39. When in doubt, empty the magazine.


40. If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.


41. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.


42. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of saying you're too slow.


43. If it's stupid and works, then it's not stupid.
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